


Hell After This

by Erestorandfin



Series: Corruption [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, Public Sex, Semi-Public Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:33:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: After 7 long years of living by Starfleet’s rules, Kathryn just wants to forget, and attempts to drown her losses in any way possible.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway/Other(s)
Series: Corruption [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010556
Comments: 26
Kudos: 57





	1. All that I’ve lost

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by ‘Hell After This’ by Dido. Highly recommend listening prior to reading. It’s very different from my usual inspiratory music which tend to be slower and more sad angsty (whereas this is fast/angry angsty). The strong beat made me think of music in nightclubs and the more I listened the more I could see Janeway in it. 
> 
> Janeway is a very passionate person, we mostly get to see this directed in her role as Captain, her dedication to getting them all home, but I think it would extend to other areas in different circumstances. In this story I see her as slightly younger than in cannon, but I don’t think it’s really relevant in terms of the plot. 
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta reading this!
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in Italics.

**Get a room, fall in love**

**Just for an afternoon**

**Nothing goes too slow, Light moves alone**

**A song that plays makes me miss all that I’ve lost**

**'Til the sun goes down and the lights go on**

**This feeling I'm fine, gone when you're gone**

**Hell after this is gone when I'm home**

**If I'm going to Hell after this**

**I'm gonna enjoy it while I can**

**I won't remember your face after this**

**I'm gonna enjoy it while I can**

**Got a coin and the sun, back in time**

**Looking up, got the sky on my mind**

**Out at sea, get a drink, it's time for a change**

**Feels like God is on my side**

**This feeling I'm fine, gone when you're gone**

**Hell after this is gone when I'm home**

**If I'm going to Hell after this**

**I'm gonna enjoy it while I can**

**I won't remember your face after this**

**I'm gonna enjoy it while I can**

~~~

The scent of warm bodies hit Kathryn as she entered the dark club. Once it might have bothered her, but she barely noticed anymore. Making her way through the crowd, she followed the familiar path to the bar, dodging around the dancing and grinding pairs.

The pounding rhythm of music was almost loud enough to drown out her thoughts. Almost.

Something in the way she held herself demanded attention, and despite her small stature, she never had any issues getting the bartender to notice her.

“Two shots of tequila.” She didn’t really need to say anything, she requested the same each night, but she gave the order anyway. Call it force of habit, although she rarely gave orders these days. If he disapproved as she slammed the shots and repeated the order, he didn’t show it. She’d seen him before, and he knew what she wanted. Eyeing him as she waited, she appreciated his tanned skin and dark hair for a moment, before shaking her head. Too young.

Her eyes turned to the dance floor, lit only by faint strobes of light in time with the music. As the drinks she’d had before her arrival started to kick in, she could feel herself begin to relax, and it became easier to focus on the couples on the floor now, her own thoughts fading. It wouldn’t last long. Taking another shot, she scanned for a gap in the crowd, somewhere to lose herself.

The first night she’d come, she’d felt awkward, so out of place. Even in her teen years, she was never particularly rebellious, and she could count on one hand the number of times she had given into her friends’ pleas to join them for the night. The academy demanded her full attention, and she had little time to waste on other pursuits.

It didn’t help that the past seven years had been spent drinking little but synthehol, except on the rare occasions she’d allowed herself to celebrate this or that with Chakotay. Even then, they’d always limited themselves to a glass or two, never knowing when another unfriendly species might decide to make Voyager’s long travel just a little more difficult. So when she started coming here, she hadn’t appreciated how long it would take for the alcohol to achieve the desired effect. She spent a lot of that night on edge, trying desperately to relax. Instead of the blissful blurring of thoughts she sought, the evening passed with increasing anxiety as she swiftly downed shot after shot with little effect until they hit her all at once. True, her dark thoughts were gone then, but so was the ability to think at all, and she struggled to remain standing, let alone dance. Her feelings less guarded due to her incapacity, one of the female barstaff had realised she was struggling, and let her sit in a disused cloakroom by the bathrooms until the world stopped spinning. She had gone home alone that night as soon as she felt safe to leave. The next morning she refused to allow herself to seek assistance, the sickness a suitable punishment to remind her of the price of failure.

After that, she started drinking at home before coming, ensuring there was plenty of time to allow it to start working, and spread the shots out through the evening to delay her return to lucidity. Frustratingly, over time the period of calm each drink afforded decreased, and she had to drink more to prevent it from becoming ineffective. At least she was better at dealing with the after effects now, but though she was rarely sick anymore, there were still days when she severely missed the Doctor.

At least the banality of her work presented little challenge, even if she was under the weather.

And so here she was, more than 20 years later, now endowed with a familiarity and comfort with the nightclub that her teenage self would have laughed at. Her present life would have been unimaginable to that naive cadet who still believed Starfleet to be the pinnacle of honour and respectability, the ultimate goal. 

For so long, she had dreamed she would follow in her father’s footsteps, prove she had what it took to become an admiral. That dream was gone now, replaced by another, each as unobtainable as the other thanks to Starfleet. Not that Starfleet was the only one to stray from its principles, but she tried not to think of her future self, a future that no longer existed, and as alien to her as she would be to her younger self. Oh how ironic it was that her attempt to rigidly follow Starfleet protocol had, in the end, forced her disillusioned future self to break the temporal prime directive to right the wrongs she had caused. Well, most of them anyway, she thought bitterly.

_Her intervention wasn’t enough to save me_.

Admiral Janeway’s appearance had come too late to save her relationship with Chakotay, and Kathryn had been harshly judged by Starfleet for her ‘selfish’ decision to alter the timeline. She would never reach the rank of admiral herself, although that seemed of little relevance now, seeing how little joy it had brought her older self. Not that she could fault the Admiral’s decision; she knew she would have chosen to sacrifice herself for her crew if the choice had been hers, she understood that not everyone can be saved. 

_There are just some things in time that can’t be changed_. _I’m clearly destined to be miserable in every timeline_.

She shook her head. She didn’t come here to remember. She came to forget her personal hell for one more night.

Spotting an opening, Kathryn downed the last shot and entered the pulsing crowd. Her body hummed pleasantly, stimulated by the alcohol and adrenaline flowing through her bloodstream.

She wasn’t looking for anyone yet, just wanted to become part of the crowd, to feel its exhilaration and desire. Despite being in her 40’s, her tiny body was well toned from years of discipline. Although she did not consider herself to be beautiful, Kathryn knew that there were plenty of men who still found her desirable. Fiery hair loose, the soft curls cascaded wildly as she moved with the music, flickering around her body like flames. Dressed only in a see-through lace top over a black bra, and skin-tight black jeans, she felt the heat from the surrounding bodies keenly, and freely gave herself into its embrace.

Feeling rather than seeing a body move closer to her, she glanced over her shoulder briefly as she moved. Tall, younger than her, though not enough to bother her. But something about his blond hair and smirk reminded her of Paris.

_Not that that was bad, but not what I’m after_.

She knew looking at him would remind her of Voyager, and that was dangerous territory. But there was no harm in dancing for now, and while she faced away from him she could forget.

Perhaps sensing her reluctance, after a few songs the blond drifted away, and Kathryn found herself searching for someone to give her what she needed. She could find comfort in any warm body, she wasn’t seeking a deep connection. But still something in her mind kept her passing over men, unconsciously looking for what she was trying to forget. She laughed mirthlessly, knowing that inevitably she would select someone with a passing likeness, close enough that in the darkness she could pretend. Living the fantasy made for a far more satisfying night, but she knew in the morning the ache would return worse than ever. Without the soft embrace of alcohol, the resemblance would hurt her more than a random one would. Not that it mattered, there was no escape for her in the light of day. What was a little more pain when she was already empty? Maybe she deserved it, for the choices that brought her here.

Too short, too fair. She sighed. Then she saw him. Salt and pepper hair, tanned skin. Perfect. But first she needed another shot, her memories still too vivid. Approaching the bartender she nodded, her eyes never completely leaving her target as she waited. She caught his eye, a flicker of a smile playing on her face. Another shot was deposited in front of her, and she made quick work of it, not breaking eye contact. With a swing of her hips she stalked towards him.

He didn’t seem to be with anyone, and when she approached him he gladly made space. Up close, he was a bit too tall, and his eyes were too light. It didn’t matter, close enough. In time with his movements she began to dance. He moved closer, and she turned from him, not ready to touch him yet. She wanted to dance more before she took him home. Wanted to feel the slow build of desire, knew the longer it took, the longer it would be until she had to remember. Although they weren’t touching, he was close enough now for her to feel breath on the back of her neck.

They stayed like that as song after song played, her last worries stripped away from her. Her mind was now free from any thoughts except for the music and the man behind her. Body flowing freely with fluidity she was sure she couldn’t manage sober. She felt him move behind her, was he leaving? A moment of panic, before she heard him inhale close to her hair and realised he was just moving closer. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. He clearly enjoyed her scent as she heard a small groan escape, and her own arousal grew. Her gentle swaying resumed, a little faster now.

Eyes closed and lips slightly parted, she didn’t object when she felt warm hands slide down her hips, pulling her closer. A hand slid slowly forward until it rested on her stomach, the thin lace doing little to protect her from the heat of his palm. She gasped quietly, but didn’t move away. As though encouraged, the arm pulled her back until she was flush against him, the hot firmness against her lower back confirming he knew why she had sought him out.

They continued to move together, him grinding against her as she pushed firmly back. The hand on her front had slipped under the lace, and was stroking her skin gently, in contrast to the firm movements of his body. Her hands reached behind her, one finding his hip, the other finding the back of his head, and pulling his lips towards her neck.

He blew lightly on the soft spot behind her ear, and Kathryn felt her breath catch, too distracted to realise she was being slowly ushered towards the nearest corner, where it was darker and less crowded. The other hand came around and gently cupped her breast over the bra, waiting a moment before surreptitiously stroking across her nipple.

This was bliss. In the club she was no one, just a nameless face seeking comfort from a stranger. There were no worries, no rules, only his hot lips against her throat, and his hands teasing her. Usually she left the club before it went any further, a frantic rush back to her apartment with her selected partner in tow. She opened her mouth to invite him to go with her, but the words didn’t come. They needed to go, but he felt so good, his touch igniting fire through her body and when he spun her and pressed her back against the wall, claiming her lips she felt her excitement palpably. Suddenly she didn’t care that they were in the middle of a crowded place, she just didn’t want him to stop. Didn’t care that if they didn’t stop now, he might take her here. The idea sent heat to her centre. A fleeting thought rose in her dulled mind, what would her crew think if they could see her now? 

_No!_

There was no captain here and she had no crew, no one to judge her.

_This is my life, my choice to share my body with whoever I damn well please._

Starfleet didn’t own her anymore.

For seven years she had buried her feelings, followed their rules and where had it gotten her? They had made it home, but it cost her the only thing she wanted. Starfleet had been quick to castigate her over some of her decisions, and even those admirals with whom she had personal connections couldn’t protect her from the wolves. 

But it was their reluctance to recognise the actions of the former Maquis crew that cut deepest. She had been prepared to be held accountable for her actions, ready to accept whatever punishment they felt appropriate. But she had also expected them to treat her crew fairly; they had given no indication during their communications that any member would be unwelcome in Starfleet. Kathryn no longer saw her crew as Maquis and Starfleet, but it soon became apparent that Starfleet did. Had they not given seven years to Starfleet, and served under its directives? Had they not fought and died together to get Voyager home, to protect each other? Despite the uncertainty of what they would meet when they returned, every member of her crew had been loyal, had given her, and Starfleet, their all.

It was no secret that certain members of the brass wanted her out; she was too impulsive, too much of a threat to their rigid ideals, but they didn’t have enough to relieve her of command. But they had the Maquis. Off the record, Owen Paris had warned her that one of the less pleasant admirals had been pushing heavily for official charges to be brought against them, stating their treason against the federation outweighed their contributions aboard Voyager. She trusted Owen to fight in their corner, but he was not at all certain of success. There was a good chance this was a power play designed to force her out, but she couldn’t take the chance that she was wrong. She feared what would happen to her crew if they were left to Starfleet’s mercy.

Betrayed by the organisation she had dedicated her life to, for whom she had given up everything, she struck an uneasy truce with them. The meeting was still vivid in her mind, seeing the triumph in their eyes as she offered them what they wanted. She would accept a quiet desk job in a related organisation and voluntarily leave Starfleet, and in return she expected all her crew to be recognised and offered positions equal to those on Voyager, should they want it. Sickened by the twisted principles now running through Starfleet, she briefly wondered if it had always been that way, and she had just been too idealistic to notice.

The crew could never find out, she knew that it would place them in an impossible position. If the terms of their acceptance by Starfleet were known, they would be horrified. They all deserved to feel they had earned it, because they had. At least in ignorance, her sacrifice would not be in vain. But she wasn’t sure how long she could conceal it, so she did the only thing she could think of, she removed the risk by withdrawing from her friends and family.

Being forcibly severed from her crew, her family for the last seven years, had left her vulnerable, with too much time to retreat into her thoughts. Her days were long and tedious, pointless busy work of no real value, offering little distraction, so she spent her nights desperately searching for something, anything, to make her feel alive, to make her forget. 

She knew she would never Captain a ship again, or feel the exhilaration of a new mission, the soft caress of a billion stars, each enticing her with the promise of new knowledge. What did it matter, even the stars which had captivated her since childhood had lost their lustre. She felt no joy or excitement or really much of anything anymore. Except here. Except in the heat of passion where she could pretend, just for a moment, that she had accepted the love once offered to her freely, the love she had so pointlessly rejected.

A sharp pinch to her nipple returned her to the present, and the soft intoxication returned, mind refocused on her growing need. The period of calm after drinking was growing shorter again, tomorrow she would need another shot. She kept her eyes closed as the kiss deepened, it made it easier to imagine it was only the two of them. It let her pretend she was with him. Sometimes she liked to see just how long she could stop herself from looking, just enjoying the sensations assaulting her body.

Hands continued to tease her breasts, more boldly now their activity was hidden by the shadows in the dark corner. His full body was against hers, one of his knees pushing between her thighs and she willingly spread her legs to let him press closer. She was sure he could feel how hot she was, and while once she might have felt embarrassed, she was confident in her drive to find escape, and felt no shame at her reaction.

_More, please…_

She wasn’t sure if she whimpered it as she thought it, or if he read her body, but he responded to her urgency with his own as she frantically rubbed against him. One of his hands slid lower, stroking her gently through her jeans and her hips pressed forward, moaning into his mouth. His other hand continued to tease her breast, flicking and pinching then soothing with gentle circular movements. It was almost unbearable now, the barrier of clothes between them, her hand clenched almost painfully in his hair. He stilled for a moment, hovering over the fastening of her jeans, questioning. She growled, nipping at his lip, and he understood.

Both of his hands were fumbling to undo the button, and she felt the loss of heat from her breast intensely, it was taking too long and she desperately wanted it back. He finally managed to get the button out and unzipped the front, slipping a hand inside while shielding her body with his. Anyone watching them would think they were just kissing, unless they got close. She didn’t look, but she knew from past nights that there would be other couples around the edges of the room, engaged as they were, no one would spare them a second thought. A groan filled her ears as he realised she wore nothing underneath the jeans. 

His hand stroked gently up and down, running a finger over her clit, swallowing her moan of pleasure. He repeated the movement a few times, before sliding lower and experimentally pressing a finger against her slick opening. His teasing had built her up and she knew he could feel her wetness. Kathryn arched against him encouragingly, and he slid the finger inside her with ease. His mouth moved onto her neck, softly kissing and nipping her soft skin. His movement was restricted by the tightness of her jeans, but with difficulty he pulled his hand back before returning with two fingers, pressing them deep. She groaned. Moving them faster, his thumb rubbed her clit in time with the thrusts, and she began to shake as she felt her orgasm building quickly. The thought that she was letting him touch her here, surrounded by people unaware of what was happening was unexpectedly arousing. In her mind she pictured him doing this to her against the bulkheads of her ready room. She knew she had to limit her response, afraid the bridge would hear, but it was so difficult, she was close to the edge and she needed to let it out. She was biting her lip so hard she drew blood. 

As though he knew her thoughts, he claimed her mouth once more, moving faster and circling her clit, his free hand tangled in her hair, holding her to him. She could feel how hard he was against her stomach, and she desperately wanted to feel him inside her. Still in her fantasy, she imagined him jerking her away from the wall, kissing her firmly before bending her over her desk and taking her hard from behind. Her hips jerked, and he swallowed her cry of ecstasy, gently slowing his fingers as he eased her back down. She thought she might have whimpered his name in her passion, she wasn’t sure. He let go of her lips and she panted softly, eyes still clamped shut as she rode the after waves of pleasure. Slowly she came back to herself, mind still blissfully free from dark thoughts, only able to think about what had just happened. A sense of peace washed over her. She could hear his panting next to her ear, his forehead resting against the wall. 

“Kathryn,” he whispered, voice hoarse from desire and she could hear longing and pleasure mixed.

Her eyes snapped open.


	2. It's time for a change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mary S for beta reading this!
> 
> Thoughts are in Italics.

Her eyes snapped open. 

He leaned back, and she looked him up and down. As she took in his face, she felt cold spreading through her body. She saw the thin lines that belonged to him alone. For a moment she was unbalanced.

It was him.

“Ch-Chakotay?” She whispered, suddenly feeling weak, remaining upright only by the grace of his leg between her thighs. This could not be happening. She knew the tattoo had not been there when she selected her partner. He might have reminded her of Chakotay, but she knew there had been differences; this was not the man she had started to dance with. At some point Chakotay must have replaced him, and had done it so discreetly that she hadn’t noticed. Her face flushed, avoiding his eyes. Her usual quick wit dampened by alcohol, for the first time in her life she was speechless.

How did he know where she was? Or perhaps he hadn’t been looking for her at all, their paths might have crossed incidentally. But it seemed so unlikely…

_Focus, Kathryn._

She realised she hadn’t said or done anything for a few minutes. Steeling herself, she raised her eyes, meeting Chakotay’s. They were unbelievably dark, dilated with...with what exactly? Hunger, maybe, or lust? Or was it more than that? She was suddenly breathless again, and hotter than she’d ever felt.

Chakotay leaned forward, until his lips were only millimetres from her ear.

“I can’t wait Kathryn, I need to make you mine now. So we better find somewhere a bit quieter unless you want me to take you here against the wall.”

Eyes fluttering closed again, she imagined what would transpire if she let that happen. Taking his hand she began to drag him towards the back, towards the disused cloakroom she had been shown the first time she was here.

They were barely through the door when she was slammed back against the wall for another kiss, lightheaded as she felt Chakotay’s hands on her body. He had followed her lead out in the club, but now she could feel his passion, his touch was possessive, demanding her focus. Sneaking her hand between their bodies she stroked him through his jeans, watching for his reaction. Eyes darkening, almost black, he hissed as he swept her hand away, pushing both arms up over her head, and pinning them with one large hand.

“Fuck, Kathryn, do you want this to end now?”

Before she could reply, he was against her again, pushing her legs apart with his. Feeling his mouth licking and nipping her neck she whimpered, completely immobilised between his firm grip on her hands and his lower body pressing against her. His other hand found the waistband of her jeans but they were too tight to remove one handed. He pressed his hand firmly against her wrists, clearly indicating he expected her to keep them there as he let go, joining the other to quickly rid her of her jeans, followed by his. Then he had her pinned again, his free hand spreading her thighs, seeking out her heat. Now they were away from the crowd, she could smell him, his reassuring scent bringing back memories, sending burning desire through her veins. Arching towards his fingers, she felt his hardness against her thigh, and yes, this was exactly what she needed, what she had wanted for so long but couldn’t have on Voyager.

_Voyager._

Suddenly she felt the urge to sob for her loss, a deep longing to be back there, back before they returned to a home that no longer welcomed them.

_Voyager…_

For a moment a flicker of something, a tight grip around her heart.

_Seven._

So caught up in her lust and desire she had forgotten completely. A wave of nausea and revulsion at her actions hit her. She jerked her arms hard but Chakotay’s grip was stronger.

“Stop, Chakotay, please stop. We can’t do this.”

“Why?” And he looked at her with such confusion and distress that she felt a pang of guilt.

And then she was furious.

Why was he here? Surely he didn’t make a habit of visiting nightclubs, not with Seven waiting at home. She was far younger and more attractive than anyone she had seen here, and she couldn’t imagine he could be dissatisfied with her. While she thought of her as a daughter, Kathryn was well aware that Seven was beautiful, and she couldn’t blame Chakotay for his interest in her, it was her own fault for making the choices that pushed him from her.

But she did blame him for being here, for doing this to her, and to Seven.

“It doesn’t matter why. If I say let me go, Chakotay, you had better do it, or I will make sure you regret it. Now. Let. Me. Go.”

And it didn’t matter that she was heavily intoxicated. That she was half naked in the back of a nightclub. That she was completely under his control. Suddenly she was every inch the Captain that struck fear into the heart of the Delta Quadrant. Chakotay knew that look, but was unaccustomed to it being directed at him. Perhaps that was why he held on to her, knowing the danger she presented if he obeyed.

“Wh-“

“Don’t what me, Chakotay! What are you doing here? I don’t need you, go back to Seven.”

Then he was angry too. His eyes flashed.

“Do you really think that little of me, Kathryn?”

Once she would have had no doubt, but Starfleet’s disillusionment had shaken her to her core, had gone deeper than she realised, tainting all memories of anything pure. She met his eyes defiantly, refusing to answer his question. 

“There’s only you, Kathryn, and you would have known that if you hadn’t been avoiding all our damn attempts to contact you,” he growled angrily. “Do you know how worried we’ve been?”

Their lips were together again as Chakotay leaned in, aggressively bruising her mouth with his as they each fought for control, their passion and anger equally matched. When they separated, they were both panting.

“What right do you have to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing? It’s none of your fucking business, Chakotay,” she spat, furiously pronouncing each syllable of his name as she wriggled, trying to free her hands again. It had the opposite effect from her intentions as her movement caused her to rub against Chakotay’s groin, and she felt him twitch. Heat pooled at her centre again. And she was so angry, so excited, needing more of him, and wanting none.

Chakotay understood, and he was touching her again, slick fingers pressing for entrance and she moaned when they found it, arching helplessly in spite of herself. 

“I’m making it my business, Kathryn. Do you know how hard it’s been to find you? No one has seen you since de-briefings, not even your mother! And Starfleet have been spouting some nonsense that you aren’t with them anymore when I’ve tried to get information from them. As though the Kathryn I knew would ever leave Starfleet while she was still breathing.” He punctuated every sentence with bites, licks, kisses across her neck. 

_Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do, Chakotay. Or at least you don’t know Starfleet as I do._

She shivered, wanting to feel more of him, but still so angry, so unsure of what was happening. But his touches were relentless, now circling and flicking her clit, and it was hard, so hard, to focus on anything except the feel of him. But her heart, for all its desire, was trying to make her remember, hold on to the reason they needed to stop.

_Seven...Seven...Seven..._

Noticing the anguish on her face, Chakotay slowed, letting her mind clear for a moment. 

“Kathryn, look at me.” His voice was quiet now, harsh with arousal but anger gone. She didn’t want to, but she couldn’t resist. “Kathryn, there’s only you,” he repeated, “It’s only ever been you. You want this, I saw you say my name out there. You enjoy my touch and you want me, right here and now. I want it too, I want you, all of you. It’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.” 

She still looked uncertain, despite her flushed face and obvious arousal. Somehow she seemed smaller, as though her doubts diminished her, and he realised he had never seen her like this, lacking her usual confidence. It was unnerving.

“Trust me, Kathryn.”

Everything she knew had been taken from her. If she gave him her trust and he broke it, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to trust again. But something in his voice touched her, a part of her she had buried deep because she couldn’t face the hurt it caused. Seven years. All the times he had been by her side, whether they agreed or not. How he had comforted her for her loss when they had to leave Voyager, had never pressed her to give more than she was able. Had never let her pushing him away change how he was. He had always given her his love, even though she hadn’t accepted it, it had been there, a touch, a look, any way he could ease her burdens. Did she really believe he would betray her the way Starfleet had? 

For a moment nothing else existed. She forgot where they were, why she came here. Forgot how Starfleet hurt her, how he hurt her with Seven. All she saw was his dark eyes and it was still there, all his love for her that had never changed, telling her there had never been a reason to say no. And she remembered she did trust him, had always trusted him.

She nodded, and he sprang into action, the tension snapped, and suddenly all either could feel was the desperation to be as close as possible. Wrists released, she found his hair, feeling him lifting her up the wall, and she could no longer reach the floor. There he was hard and insistent, and they both inhaled sharply as he let her body slowly sink on to him. Needing more, she wrapped her legs around him, trying to pull him closer. 

Never one to deny her, he started to move, setting a demanding pace, they both had so much regret and pain to burn off, and soon all he could hear were her moans of pleasure, feel her fingers in his hair, on his shoulders, on his face as she begged him to move faster. Finding his hands back on her hips, he began to pull her against him with each deep thrust, and this felt so good, to finally be inside her, hearing her almost constant stream of cries, his name over and over as he drove into her. Her nails were sharp on his back despite his shirt, he could tell she was close, and so was he, trying to hold back until he could push her over the edge. He claimed her mouth again, swiping his tongue along her lower lip before nipping it gently, pressing as close to her as he could. Moaning her name against her lips as he felt her body go taut, and he couldn’t hold back, releasing himself inside her as she tightened around him. 

Their breathing was harsh in the still room, and they suddenly became aware of the music they could still hear from the club, the noise of people. Neither of them wanted to let go, afraid of what would happen when they did. Unsure of where they would go from here. 

Eventually Kathryn took the first step. 

“Let me down Chakotay, I think it’s time for us to go.”

_Us._

Relief filled him. She wasn’t trying to run, hadn’t immediately shut him out again. But then, Kathryn was known for facing problems head on. 

They dressed in silence, each sneaking glances at the other when they thought they weren’t looking. After slipping from the room unnoticed, he followed her out. As the cold air hit them both, their eyes met, and they realised the other was as scared as they were. 

With a deep breath, Kathryn grabbed his hand. He had come to find her. She had to take the risk.

“Come with me. I think we need to talk.” 

His hand tightened around hers reassuringly, and he willingly followed as she led him to her apartment.

~~~

He was struck by how empty her home was. There were no pictures, nothing that would indicate someone was living there. 

“Do you want a drink?” 

“Water, please.” She nodded as they moved to the kitchen. Glancing at him she noticed him observing the almost empty bottle of tequila she had left on the counter earlier, but neither mentioned it.

He just had no idea what to say, how to broach the topics they needed to discuss to clear things between them. He knew her, knew her better than anyone ever had, better than he knew anyone, and yet she was like a stranger, like he knew nothing at all. 

“I’ve missed you.” He finally whispered. 

Her jaw tightened. She’d missed him too. 

“Kathryn, there is nothing between me and Seven. There never was. We did start to see more of each other, but it wasn’t like that.”

“No? What was it like then? You can’t deny how it looked. One moment you were openly disapproving of her simply being on Voyager, then suddenly you started to spend so much time together. What changed your mind?”

“You did, Kathryn. You told me she was struggling to connect to people, to make friends, you were so worried about her. I realised I was treating her differently than I did the rest of the crew, and I was ashamed.”

Kathryn blinked. She remembered.

“I thought you would be happy that I tried to make more of an effort, you never approved of my natural distrust of her. I know you feel responsible for her, love her as family. And you were right, she was struggling. Not that she’d admit it, she is far too like you in that respect. I don’t think we can really understand what it was like for her, to spend life always connected to countless others, then to find herself completely alone.” He sighed.

“I think in the end she did develop a crush on me, I was the first person to really show an interest in her apart from you. But she would never have acted on it, you know why? Because of you, Kathryn. She idolises you, and despite what you might think, we never did that good a job of hiding how we felt about each other, even if we didn’t act on it. And, even if she had, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I love you, Kathryn, I always have. I was so hurt when you thought I had come to you while being with Seven, you should know me better than that.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to think, I was so angry and hurt, Chakotay, you have no idea what it’s been like.”

“I would have if you hadn’t disappeared, Kathryn. I wanted to be there for you, to be with you. I’ve been so worried, and I’m not the only one, why have you been ignoring all of us?”

“I can’t tell you, Chakotay, I’m sorry.” He felt a small ebb of anger and frustration again. She still didn’t trust him.

“Kathryn, whatever it is, I need to know. I need to understand.”

“You used to trust my judgement, if I told you I couldn’t tell you something.”

“You didn’t used to drink half your body weight in tequila every night, Kathryn. What won’t you tell me? Why couldn’t we find you, why wouldn’t Starfleet give me a straight answer? Are you working undercover, something classified?”

She laughed bitterly.

“No, I have left Starfleet, Chakotay. They weren’t lying to you. But I don’t want to talk about it.”

Chakotay froze, confusion replacing anger for a moment.

“But...we heard they asked you to continue to captain Voyager after the refit? Even if you didn’t want to continue to take deep space missions you could have waited it out, surely it was only a matter of time before you made admiral and could decide where you wanted to be.”

“Don’t speak to me about Starfleet, Chakotay, I won’t warn you again.”

“What other option do I have? None of this makes sense, and you are shutting me out again. Why won’t you trust me?”

“Don’t tell me I don’t trust you, you are the only person I still trust.”

“Then let me in! I can’t help you when I don’t understand what you are going through.”

“I can’t.”

“Please. Kathryn. Talk to me. Trust me. Whatever it is, I will understand. We don’t have to talk about it ever again, if that is what you want. But you can’t do everything alone, you don’t have to be alone. Let me help you”

She was so tempted. 

“Please believe me, it’s better not to know.”

“Maybe for me, but not for you. Do you think I could live knowing that this is destroying you, not being able to help? My peace of mind is not worth your suffering.”

They sat in silence, Kathryn deep in thought as she weighed up how to proceed. He let her; he knew this was a decision she had to make for herself. He just hoped that she would understand that whatever it was, it was better faced together.

“If,” she said finally, taking a deep breath, continuing with deliberate slowness, emphasising the seriousness of her words, “If I tell you, this has to be between us, Chakotay. You have to promise, no matter what I tell you, you will let it go, and not tell another person. Not B’Elanna, not Ayala. You are the only person I trust, and if you break your promise, I won’t be able to be with you, in any way. If you can’t keep what I tell you to yourself, I will have no one. I don’t want to be alone again, Chakotay, it’s been unbearable. If you want to know, that is what it will take. Because you won’t like it, and it won’t be easy to do nothing.”

He swallowed, and nodded.

“Starfleet are not who I thought they were. When we came back, I was so happy we finally made it, that we brought our people home. I thought they would be too, but they weren’t. Oh officially, as you saw, it was a great triumph, but behind closed doors there was a lot of anger and distrust.” Lost in memory she paused, replaying over the long discussions she had faced alone, the accusations about her crew. Her face hardened in anger.

“They weren’t going to let the Maquis go, Chakotay. In Admiral Janeway’s time, the rebellion was much further behind, most of the admirals who had served during it were long retired. Not enough time has passed in this timeline. The admirals are still bitter, they still blame the Maquis for the losses they remember.” She closed her eyes, exhaling sadly. “I couldn’t let them make examples of our crew, and I didn’t have anything else they wanted. Kathryn Janeway’s future was a small price to pay for the futures they would leave alone.”

Their eyes met and she could see his disbelief, fury, despair, love, all at once. He understood.

“No one else knows, not even my family. And they never can. The corruption goes too deep; the only way to keep them free, to keep them safe is to keep our silence. This is what we have to live with, Chakotay. You promised you would accept my decision. Please, do not throw away my trust, I have so very little of it left.”

“Kathryn...” he whispered, his heart breaking for her. He had seen her struggle for seven years, her quest to bring them home restricted by Starfleet principles. Could remember all the times she had made the tough decision to add time to their journey rather than break protocol. Remembered the weight it had placed on her shoulders, her regrets, her guilt. But at least she had held firm to her principles, it had been the one thing she’d still had. And they had taken that away.

“I know, Chakotay. But it had to be done.”

Her face was set so perfectly, she could have been back on Voyager, standing on the bridge facing another first contact. So well-practiced, she was completely unreadable. Opening his arms, half expecting her to refuse, he felt a sense of relief as she buried herself against his chest, and the anguish she had had to keep to herself poured out with her tears. 

“There are days when I wake up hating myself. Wishing I had stood up to them, showed them there would always be someone willing to fight for justice. The Kathryn Janeway you knew would never have let herself be blackmailed, never have folded just because the opposition was stronger. But it just felt so different here. To finally get everyone home, at last able to have full lives again. I couldn’t let that be taken away, even if it meant betraying my principles.”

“Kathryn, only you could see showing the very best of you as failure. No one could expect more. Sometimes there is no right path, they all lead where we don’t want to go. But we try anyway, and hope that we can make the best of where those paths take us.”

He understood why she had tried to avoid telling him. Starfleet had abandoned her after all she had done for them, and he was furious. Wanting to do exactly what she had asked him not to, to make sure everyone knew of this deception. It was what was right. But, with a pained throb of his heart, he realised it was not what was right for her.

He could do as he wanted, to strike out at Starfleet, maybe there would be changes, maybe not. But in either case, the price would be Kathryn’s life. It was clear why she had struggled to trust after what had happened, and he was eternally grateful that she had. He couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t take away that last bit of trust. He didn’t want to imagine how empty her life would be completely alone, utterly unable to trust anyone.

Picking her up, he cradled her to his chest and carried her into her living room, sitting down on her sofa with her still held in his arms. Her head fell softly sideways against his chest, her legs stretching out in front of her. Wrapping his arm tightly around her back, hand resting on her stomach, her small hands came to rest on top of his. He could feel her eyes on him, watching as he processed everything, needing to know what he had decided.

“Okay, Kathryn. I will carry this burden with you. I wish I could take it from you, give you back the life you deserve. When the day comes, and it will come, when you feel you are ready to do something about this, Starfleet will regret ever thinking they could control Kathryn Janeway. Until then, I will be with you, by your side, whatever happens. I will show you that you were not wrong to trust me.”

“Chakotay,” she murmured, reaching up to stroke his cheek, softly pulling him down for a gentle kiss.

“I already know.”

~~~

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
